DARIO MARTINEZ

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

RESTORING CONNECTIONS:

Relationship-Focused Psychotherapy

Fearful-Avoidant people are below the main line of the spectrum diagram because they’re a combination of Anxious-Preoccupied and Dismissive-Avoidant. These people do what I call a “push-pull” relationship style, which means that they compulsively pull people in, while simultaneously pushing them away.

On an unconscious level, Fearful-Avoidant people are terrified of relationships, but they also lack access to internal resources to soothe themselves when they experience distress. This creates a non-stop relationship "rollercoaster" that continuously cycles through the following steps:

Because Fearful-Avoidant people lack access to internal resources to self-soothe, they compulsively reach out for connection when they experience negative emotional states.
Once connection is established, however, the Fearful-Avoidant person starts to feel trapped, so they compulsively push people away.
When they’re alone again, the same lack of internal resources causes terror, which leads the person to reach out for connection again.
And the entire pattern starts all over again.

People on the Fearful-Avoidant Spectrum typically experienced some kind of chronic relationship trauma such as violent physical or sexual abuse that created their intense fear of relationship and lack of inner resources.

How do these Attachment Styles Operate in Real Life?

As you may have guessed by now, people on opposite sides of the spectrum are typically attracted to each other and frequently end up getting married. Anxious-preoccupied people are attracted to the strength and independence of Dismissive-Avoidant people. Because Avoidant people are so self-sufficient, they usually don’t have a lot of needs, so the Anxious partner’s emotional needs get to be the focus of the relationship until the Avoidant person either gets exhausted, resentful or both.

To illustrate how Attachment Styles function in an actual relationship, I’ll describe one of the most common relationship dynamics that I see in Couple’s Counseling:

Imagine fictional clients Susan and David are coming to therapy to work on “communication issues.” In the first session, Susan sits quietly as David cries about the frustration he feels in their relationship. David says that Susan is distant and non-emotional, which becomes challenging when they have arguments.

According to David, Susan “automatically shuts down” whenever he tries to work through problems in their relationship. David has tried to engage her over and over again, but Susan’s lack of access to her emotions makes it impossible for her to open up. David wants therapy to help Susan feel her emotions so she can better communicate how she’s feeling.

When asked about her perception of what’s going on, Susan admits that she has a problem accessing her emotions, but describes frustration related to David’s “neediness.” No matter what she says or does—even if she agrees with David—it’s never enough. Susan is at a loss because she doesn’t know how to help David feel better. She just wants David to ease up on his constant complaining and try to enjoy their relationship. Susan added that she has a really stressful job and is tired of fighting all the time.

When couples with this dynamic come to counseling, Susan is usually seen as the “identified patient” or “problem” in the relationship because she doesn’t have access to her emotions. Couples typically describe this as a “communication problem” because one partner has a problem expressing what they’re feeling.

One of my first tasks as a therapist is to help the couple see that it actually takes two or more people to create a problematic relationship dynamic. While Susan’s inability to describe her emotions may be the most obvious problem in this dynamic, it’s only one half of the problem. The main issue is that each partner is unconsciously being controlled by the fears and needs of their respective attachment style.

Susan is Fearful-Avoidant and David is Anxious-Preoccupied. As an Anxious-Preoccupied person, David compulsively reaches out for support and reassurance because he isn’t able to soothe himself when he experiences stress in the relationship. As a Fearful-Avoidant person, Susan is triggered by David’s level of neediness. She has structured her life around the idea of being independent and self-reliant. When she’s confronted by David’s needs, she compulsively pulls away from him and goes inside to manage her distress.

David feels her pulling away, which is very triggering for him because he needs somebody to help him manage his emotions—so he intensifies his reach for support. The increased intensity of his "reach" triggers Susan even more—causing her to pull away with greater urgency.

And this dance continues until the Avoidant partner completely shuts down and the Anxious partner insists that they go to couple’s therapy to work on their “communication issues.”

As a therapist, I help my clients understand how their attachment style is impacting their relationship. As I mentioned earlier, attachment style is firmly established within the first year of life. This means that the underlying fears and beliefs of a one year old version of ourselves is basically driving fundamental aspects of how we relate to each other.

Due to past experiences, Susan probably has valid reasons for being disconnected from her emotions. Perhaps emotions were too overwhelming for her when she was very young—so she learned to how to shut them out.

David was supposed to learn how to “self-soothe” or manage his emotions as a baby, but since that didn’t happen, he compulsively reaches out for support from Susan. The main "communication issue" in their relationship is that their respective behavior is so triggering that it’s impossible for them to understand each other.

The good news is that therapy provides a highly effective framework to address attachment issues. With this particular couple, I would start by teaching them emotion management techniques to help Susan manage the discomfort she feels with David’s “neediness;” and help David learn how to “self-soothe”—and go inward to manage stress instead of compulsively reaching out to Susan for support.

There are many other relationship dynamics that are negatively impacted by differing attachment styles, but they’re all based on the two basic, fundamental behaviors:

Compulsively reaching outward for support or
Compulsively turning away from relationship and going inside.

How Do I Figure Out Where I Am On the Attachment Spectrum?

To locate yourself on this spectrum, I invite you to ask yourself three sets of questions. Obviously your comfort level in relationship is going to change from situation to situation, but I encourage you to think in “general” terms to identify “default” behaviors that you tend to fall back on in moments of stress:

1. How independent are you? Do you feel more comfortable when you’re alone or when you’re in social settings? Do you find yourself taking care of people you’re in relationship with?
A strong sense of independence and difficulty initiating and sustaining romantic relationships are indications that you might be on the Dismissive-Avoidant side of the spectrum.
The main skill that people on this side of the spectrum need to learn is vulnerability: how to ask for help and trust the possibility that supportive relationships might exist.

2. How easy is it for you to make yourself vulnerable and reach out for connections? Do you prefer to be in social settings vs. being alone?
A heavy reliance on external support and the need for a lot of validation from other people can be an indication that you’re probably somewhere on the Anxious-Preoccupied spectrum.
People on this side of the spectrum need to develop internal resources to manage feelings of distress, so they can stop compulsively reaching outward for support.

3. Are you good at reaching out for relationships, but do you start to feel uncomfortable if people get too close? Do you find yourself pushing people away? If you find yourself engaging in push-pull behaviors—created by a strong urge to be in relationships that’s countered by an equally strong fear of relationships—you might have Fearful-Avoidant Attachment.

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